Was that a sunset or a sunrise?

This was written on the twenty fifth of October of 2015, a few weeks before my mom passed away.                                           

“Time goes by fast when you’re apathetic to everything that surrounds you. Everything is monotonous and rushed, insincere and cold, tedious and harsh. I wonder if life is worth enduring all the pain for, I wonder if withstanding all this bullshit is worth it.
I think a lot, I analyze everything I experience and everyone I encounter, I read to much into everything, I have what I like calling a monkey brain, jumping from one conclusion to the next, never at peace, this means countless sleepless nights and constant fatigue.

I just finished reading a book about alien abductions, and it got my brain going.

I hold a deep resentment for the conclusions people have drawn about self harm. I don’t think anyone self harms because they don’t think they’re worth it or because their faults outnumber their good traits. I’m not self destructive but I’ve had dangerous thoughts, and I think that if I were to cut or self harm I’d do it to honor all my invisible scars, they’d pose as a physical embodiment of all the pain and hurt that stains my frail heart. 

Which brings me to the next order of business; suicide. Everyone is all over depressed people, so many people are convinced that they’re helping by medicating them and drowning their worries with doses of serotonin, but here’s what I think. 

I think that depression isn’t a war you win, but a battle you fight everyday. There’s no pausing, there’s no stopping. suicide is you giving in to the mocking shrill voices scolding you and criticizing your every move.  It’s as persistent as the headache and nausea that follow a bottle of vodka wasted on drowning the memories secured in our past. I think that depression is black, it’s the complete absence of emotion, it’s numbness gnawing away at your brain and eventually driving you to irrational decisions, and I think that suicide is more than despair. The correct way to define it would be indifference, it’s when you’ve got nothing to live for and every reason to die, it’s when everything tastes bland, it’s hollow. It’s the monsters of our pasts haunting us. It’s the consistent need for the perfect peace of nothingness. That’s what I believe.

I’ve known a few people to be depressed, but I’ve never considered that I might be another unhappy resident wasting oxygen and consuming the edible goods available to me. Ive been told that we often project our feelings and find different ways of expressing them. Feelings of despair are often translated into the persistent attempts at making everyone else’s lives better. Maybe that’s me. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Whatever.”

alienazione

hey guys, it’s been a while, hope you enjoy your day.

1st of July, 2017, Tuesday, 7:12 pm
i’m at the park, im sat next to my favorite person in the world, my best friend, i can hear the faint squeals of excited children, blending into the background, and for reasons i can’t think of i am reminded of how much i want to belong, to just fit in, and i mean this in the most non-pretentious way possible, i want to melt into the background, I’m reminded of how much i want to escape the watchful eye of society, how much i want to be an insignificant color of the spectrum, i want to be another shade of red, not quite significant but there, a part, not an important part but a part nontheless, and it’s very conflicting, because if i was to become just another unknowing person, how am i supposed to climb out of that when i decide that i want to touch people’s lives?

A Letter To Someone Who Died

“write hard and clear about what hurts.”  

                                             Ernest Hemingway 

dear mom,

i am losing my head, what part of me that held onto this world, ever so lovingly, is dissipating, whithering and wilting, responding to the harsh gravity of grief, it’s been a year 200 days 9 hours 55 minutes 6 seconds, and i can still feel the sadness you left in your wake, the pain, the hurt, the void i’ve now learned to ignore. i miss you, i always will.

  forever & always,

                danah 

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i’ve been a bit busy as of late, what with ramadan and eid, so excuse my lack of updating, lots of love and happy eid 💕

she ran the sharp metal blades along her wrist, gently at first, as though she was terrified of cutting herself too deep, of damaging herself further. for a moment, she contemplated abandoning her self destructive intentions, she almost did, but then she felt an uneasiness otherwise associated with pain and she was reminded of the beauty of emotions, she sucked in a sharp breath, trying to suppress the stinging of the thin wounds that now graced her pale wrists, again, she thought, again, now deeper and slower, savor every flinch, every flicker of pain, every sensation, all of it, her voice of reason quickly arose from the very depths of her twisted brain, it reprimanded her, do not do this, do not do this, you do not want your friends interrogating you, don’t. don’t. dont. don’t. she was torn trying to provide for the temporary mental relief and the permenant physical wellness. A human body was incapable of containing both her longing for safety and such dangerous and toxic thoughts. and so compromises were to be made, pain was to be inflicted, and skin was to be scarred
why, Melody, why do you hurt yourself like that? 
Melody has been asked this by her boyfriend of 2 years multiple times, and the overwhelming nature of the raw emotions that overcame her near dysfunctional brain at the mention of the reasoning behind her hastily made decisions kept her from doing her numbness justice. but now that she was confined to the four walls that have contained her turmoil of emotions for as long as she can remember, answers came to her like moths did to light, her scars were like the elegant lines and swirls of a paintbrush on a canvas, thin and soft, they told a story of pain and torture, a story of long forgotten emotions, and to her, they were beautiful, they were wrong in every sense, but all the more beautiful. melody didn’t care, she liked her brain, she liked her misery, she INDULGED in her misery, she didn’t identify as a mentally unstable person, she liked the way she was, the voices in her head were the only voices she’d heard for the last few weeks, her voice was rusty and thick from misuse, and the voices were now reassuring rather than unsettling. a soft melody sounded through her door, a door which did little to conceal her earth shattering wails, and her body immediately responded, bending and swaying to the tune, her arms moved graciously, accentuating her curves, she danced until the air was knocked out of her lungs, until spots littered her peripheral vision, and she drifted into a deep slumber, a dangerous smile gracing her pink chapped lips, she was broken beyond fixing, and that made her different and beautiful.

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Dedicated to Mr. Gregory Gray, perhaps the only teacher who lended me an ear, listened to me, and regarded me with interest. I have mad respect for this incredible teacher. Lots of love, Danah

What did he take her for? An imbecile? Jamila found his way of addressing her very degrading to the hours she spent reading and learning about the matter, yes she was only 16 but this by no means served as an excuse for him to regard her as though she knew nothing about anything, she refused to let her age define her abilities, who’s to say that the youths of today can’t make a change? Are all teenagers supposed to act recklessly? Are they all supposed to share the same interests of drinking, getting high, and flunking school tests? Why can’t we accept that people have different mental capacities and that we don’t all share the same perceptions of life? Jamila’s thoughts clouded her judgment and she impulsively started lecturing her teacher on how the fact that she’s only 16 doesn’t define her ability to do maths, she was spilling her thoughts, thoughts she spent days on days contemplating, to a teacher twice her age secretly earning his respect.

 the future is defined by today’s generation, it is the product of the quality of life we receive, it’s the product of years and years of experience, underestimating our ability of understanding life will only wear down our esteem, it will only hinder our ability of accepting ourselves and encompassing the genius thoughts that occur to us, it will plant a sense of ignorance and indifference in us, for that reason (and many others) one should take the time to listen to others, especially those younger, for you never know! 

Thank you 💕

Just wanted to take the time to be thankful and reminisce about the past year, I’ve come such a long way, I’ve done myself proud and I am absolutely thankful for everyone who was there to help me through every step of the way, thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, which brings me to the next order of business, I stopped going to THERAPY! not many people know this, but I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since my mom passed away, it’s not something I talk about because well, these visits aren’t exactly my favorite, but I’ve accepted the fact that they are integral to my recovery. yesterday marked my very last visit to the therapists office, I will undoubtedly miss Dr. Leena, but I am so very happy, this journey has been a series of ups and downs (mostly downs) but I’ve managed to make it through safe and sound, I’m still in one piece, and what makes me all the more happier, is that this has undoubtedly shaped me. I’d like to thank my best friends for sticking by my side, namely Mo, Thor, Dana (yes, we have the same name), Sarah, Yasmina, and Amir. I love you all so much, I know that I wasn’t exactly a good friend, I know that now, but I’m so honored to have met each and every one of you, and I want you to know that I’m incredibly thankful for all the love and support, 
Mo, nobody can equal you in kindness (you are so very kind) , we’ve been through it all, thank you for talking me through it, i love you. 
Thor, I want to thank you for the memories and the countless sleepless nights we spent on Skype, thank you for listening, thank you for not questioning my antics and accepting me for who I am, I love you.

Dana, no words are capable of doing the love and support you’ve shown me justice, I love you so much, thank you for handling me and my random outbursts, I want to apologize for everything I’ve done, I was too busy trying to figure a way out of my head to notice, but I’m here now and that’s all that matters, I love you, it’s been a good year (the best so far) , don’t you think?

Yasmina, you were the first to notice my “fishy behavior” the first to ask what’s wrong, the first to check my wrists and reprimand me for my poor behavior, the first to talk some sense into me, the first to tell me that I was worth it and that I was capable of making it through whatever hardships life throws at me, you’re half way across the world, I’m surprisrd at how we still manage to find the time to talk and laugh and make memories despite the distance that separates us, thank you for teaching me that love comes from loving myself first, and that there is more to life than what I’ve seen, I love you for it, miss you lots 💕
Sarah, we don’t talk much anymore, but you will forever be my favorite volunteer buddy, you talked me through volunteering at the KHCC when I was too afraid to visit the hospital my mom had passed in, you walked me through every detail, took me to various benefits, lengthy lectures, and had me tutor your brother for the summer, you taught me a lot about life and compassion, you showed me the good side of life, you introduced me to a happier and better lifestyle, I am a better person thanks to you. I love you so much, see you soon x

Amir, talking about you and your girlfriend took my mind off of my life and it made everything a bit easier to deal with, you’ve been my best friend since KG, and I love you for it, I want you to know that you are precious and amazing and hands down the best Swimmer EVER, you beat ME, thank you for introducing me to almost every bomb movie I’ve ever watched, thank you for not buying me cigarettes when I begged you to, (not my proudest moment) I love you so much

There are so many more people I want to thank, so if you’re reading this and you know me personally, I want to thank you, for you’ve all taught me precious lessons, I love you all, for those of you I don’t know, I want you to remember that life gets better and that holding on to hope is very important, it’s what keeps us going, love yourself, take care of yourself, it might not seem like it now, but there’s always a tomorrow, keep that in mind. Have a great day y’all and if any of you want to contact me to talk over things or just… yknow TALK, dm me (@dyslexicpunk) Spread love and kindness, PEACE ✌🏿

London Bridge Attack: Inhumane, Atrocious, and Non-Muslim

“Humanity is but a single brotherhood, so make peace with your brethren.”  (The Quran 49:10)

Today, I woke up to news of more bloodshed, to a world who’d lost 7 of its innocent and unsuspecting civilians, I am truly and utterly disheartened by the news (as anyone in their right minds would be), but to say that I was surprised would be a lie and that scared me lots, the fact that terrorism is now becoming to feel like the new normal, the frequency of such horrific attacks has brought a new and disgusting sense of normality to the situation. But I refuse to function in fear, I refuse to accept such vileness, I refuse to lose my faith in mankind. As per usual, accounts of the assailants shouting ‘this is for Allah’ were shared, further tarnishing the global image of Islam. But that’s not the problem you see, in every good there is bad and in every bad there is good, Islam is a fairly good religion, one I’ve followed for all of my life, one I solemnly believe in and continue to practice until this day, the fact that some people have chosen to commit crimes in its name is utterly devastating and it’s also the biggest misrepresentation of all. I’d like to say that I know a lot but in all honesty, I know what the media broadcasts, that’s what I know, I watch the news and I read the newspaper, and only a few months ago have I begun to realize that the media is no dependable source, -I’ve lived this, it’s not just a baseless claim- (I grew up in Egypt for most of my childhood and just recently moved to the Emirates, back in Egypt, during the 25/1 revolts, international media outlets would share very violent depictions of the ongoing terror, but in all honesty, half of what was told was false, exaggerated, and unreal) what you see on TV isn’t reality it’s what they want you to see, and I’ve only recently come to that realization, speaking of, the media has chosen to blame muslims, specifically those who belong to the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (Isis) the first question that comes to my mind at the mention of such brutal force is their source of income, of Isis is what the media claims it to be, then it is utterly beyond me that they can afford such heavy weaponry without receiving any external aid,how can they possibly escape America’s watchful eye? It just doesn’t add up, who’s to say that this isnt just another American Intelligence ploy? (Because Muslims have been subjected to the torturous tactics of this state, they’ve bombed mosques, killed children, violated women, all in the name of Islam. )We need to get real, we need to start focusing on what actually matters, The government is clearly after the wrong people, which makes it easier for one to commit crimes within said country. Instead of blaming Muslims, let us join forces to beat this, to eliminate terror and injustice, instead of blaming each other, lets spread love and kindness across the land, we are all human, we have to stand as a unified front, how are we to beat ISIS when we’ve failed to find peace amongst ourselves? Trump is trolling the Mayor of London, barely 12 hours after the incident, now tell me, how can you expect us to eliminate danger when we can’t unite to fight it? 

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It’s sad how some have time to go around bothering people and contributing to their already crumbling state, it’s sad that some have it in them to rationalize bullying. it’s sad how people of color still have to deal with segregation and prejudice, it’s sad how a billion years into our creation, females are still looked down on, it’s sad how differences are not celebrated but feared. There’s so much sadness and misery in this world. 

Fading Away

I wrote this 30 minutes into a very boring chemistry class, I was drowsy, sleepy, and not in my right mind. 

I had a dream. I dreamt that I was falling into a deep black endless abyss, I distinctly remember the puddles of terror exploding under my skin, i felt the coldness that embraced me, I felt the horror of not knowing, but I also felt alive, I felt human. my falling freed me of every human thought I’d had, it made me feel invincible and endless. I felt complete in every sense of the world, like forever, I felt like an endless sea of possibilities, and for a little while, I had a vision of myself achieving something, I felt grounded and weak in an aesthetically agonizing way. The rush of adrenaline effected me in ways I can’t describe, it felt like angels possessing me, like sugar invading every vessel of my body, it was everything I’d hoped my life would be, dangerous, scary, unpredictable and black. 

I spent the whole night reliving that dream over and over again, until it seemed real, and it was fucking beautiful.

Note To Self #1

This was written three years ago by my now 16 year old friend. I think that a world without poetry and art is a world nobody deserves to live in, enjoy.

Dedicated to my future self,
Do you ever take the time to think?

Do you ever start to wonder?

About the good old days,

When you were afraid of thunder.

The times you spent, all the moments you shared

How you were given attention, how you were loved, how people cared 

How you began to discover, that love was to please 

You never had to worry, everything was at ease 

Because being hurt only meant that bumps and bruises would cover your skin 

You never had to worry if you looked fat, normal, or thin

Words were never thrown like rocks, pushing you to be a fighter

To fight this competing life, just trying to knock it down 

And even when you try your best it never seems to get any brighter 

Beauty to you was when playgrounds were filled

Never was it the world telling you,

That you have a whole new life to build 

It meant the whole world to you, to see the look on your mother’s face 

You were looking for happiness, it wasn’t money you had to chase 

And when dawn goes down to day, you were hugged and embraced 

Joy was never trying to fit in, or that math test you aced 

It was being held by the hand, being told everything was okay

That nobody was going to leave you, that you’re loved ones are here to stay 

Just look at where you are now

Trying to rush to the finish line

It’s not negativity you’re brushing off
No, no, it’s love you’d decline

Please don’t tell me you don’t have time!

Who are you going to spend the rest of your life with?

Your books, or your career in this life ain’t worth a single dime 

It’s time to look at what really has value

The people you trust, the good ones who surround you

Don’t get me wrong cus I’m not talking about the ones you see on facebook

I’m talkin’ about reality, sitting together on your couch, looking through your old yearbook 

Cus you’re life doesn’t consist of mainly sitting on a desk 

Being humble just don’t work with being stressed

There’s nothing wrong with going out there and reliving it! 

There was a point in your life where everything was all good 

It wasn’t when you turned 18, or when you turned 21 

No my friend, it was your childhood 

So just pause for a minute, and be honest

Cus I bet you did think, and I bet you did wonder

About when you were content, about when you were younger 

I Love You

To the love of my life, to my everything -Dylan, I hope this gives you the closure that you need and deserve. 

I love you, I love you like Romeo did Juliet, maybe a little more, I love you like the moon loves the stars, I love you more than I do the sun, I love the way your hair flows beyond your jawline, I love the way it kisses your cheekbones, I love the way your orbs absorbs the love my eyes radiate, the way they light up at the mention of my name, I love having that effect on you, I do, I really do, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But it’s also the worst. I despise it, I despise the agonizing sobs that shake me when we part, I hate the nausea that overcomes me when I think of our maybe future, our have nots, I hate the overwhelming sense of regret that absorbs me at the remembrance of the moments we wasted debating the nature of our relationship. Love is gravity, it pulls you down, it expose you to the roughness of the surface, it opposes your being. The only demand is to fall, and maybe that’s why it breaks and shatters us. We respond to love by bending, by arching our posture and falling out of it is us grabbing a cane, it’s us standing up and resisiting its power. Maybe love isn’t meant to be, maybe it’s acceptance we are bound to have, maybe it’s care. You see all of the fore mentioned emotions are the aspects that make up love, individually, they make sense, together, they forge into a monstrous and vicious being. One that feeds off of the shards of everyone’s hearts, one that takes pleasure in implementing pain and introducing despair as a lifestyle. Not too long ago, I loved to love, I smiled at the aspect of having someone by my side, but now that I’m aware of my mortality, I realize that love holds us down, it ties us to a place, it hinders our ability to be, its a chain, one that I am struggling to rid myself of. 

i miss you with every cell that makes up the body that shelters my soul, I lost myself in you, I died a little on the inside, and I’d do it again if it meant I’d get to spend a few more minutes in your company. I hope you know that. Goodbye Dylan, goodbye.