A Letter To Someone Who Died

“write hard and clear about what hurts.”  

                                             Ernest Hemingway 

dear mom,

i am losing my head, what part of me that held onto this world, ever so lovingly, is dissipating, whithering and wilting, responding to the harsh gravity of grief, it’s been a year 200 days 9 hours 55 minutes 6 seconds, and i can still feel the sadness you left in your wake, the pain, the hurt, the void i’ve now learned to ignore. i miss you, i always will.

  forever & always,



Untitled #3

i’ve been a bit busy as of late, what with ramadan and eid, so excuse my lack of updating, lots of love and happy eid 💕

she ran the sharp metal blades along her wrist, gently at first, as though she was terrified of cutting herself too deep, of damaging herself further. for a moment, she contemplated abandoning her self destructive intentions, she almost did, but then she felt an uneasiness otherwise associated with pain and she was reminded of the beauty of emotions, she sucked in a sharp breath, trying to suppress the stinging of the thin wounds that now graced her pale wrists, again, she thought, again, now deeper and slower, savor every flinch, every flicker of pain, every sensation, all of it, her voice of reason quickly arose from the very depths of her twisted brain, it reprimanded her, do not do this, do not do this, you do not want your friends interrogating you, don’t. don’t. dont. don’t. she was torn trying to provide for the temporary mental relief and the permenant physical wellness. A human body was incapable of containing both her longing for safety and such dangerous and toxic thoughts. and so compromises were to be made, pain was to be inflicted, and skin was to be scarred
why, Melody, why do you hurt yourself like that? 
Melody has been asked this by her boyfriend of 2 years multiple times, and the overwhelming nature of the raw emotions that overcame her near dysfunctional brain at the mention of the reasoning behind her hastily made decisions kept her from doing her numbness justice. but now that she was confined to the four walls that have contained her turmoil of emotions for as long as she can remember, answers came to her like moths did to light, her scars were like the elegant lines and swirls of a paintbrush on a canvas, thin and soft, they told a story of pain and torture, a story of long forgotten emotions, and to her, they were beautiful, they were wrong in every sense, but all the more beautiful. melody didn’t care, she liked her brain, she liked her misery, she INDULGED in her misery, she didn’t identify as a mentally unstable person, she liked the way she was, the voices in her head were the only voices she’d heard for the last few weeks, her voice was rusty and thick from misuse, and the voices were now reassuring rather than unsettling. a soft melody sounded through her door, a door which did little to conceal her earth shattering wails, and her body immediately responded, bending and swaying to the tune, her arms moved graciously, accentuating her curves, she danced until the air was knocked out of her lungs, until spots littered her peripheral vision, and she drifted into a deep slumber, a dangerous smile gracing her pink chapped lips, she was broken beyond fixing, and that made her different and beautiful.

Fading Away

I wrote this 30 minutes into a very boring chemistry class, I was drowsy, sleepy, and not in my right mind. 

I had a dream. I dreamt that I was falling into a deep black endless abyss, I distinctly remember the puddles of terror exploding under my skin, i felt the coldness that embraced me, I felt the horror of not knowing, but I also felt alive, I felt human. my falling freed me of every human thought I’d had, it made me feel invincible and endless. I felt complete in every sense of the world, like forever, I felt like an endless sea of possibilities, and for a little while, I had a vision of myself achieving something, I felt grounded and weak in an aesthetically agonizing way. The rush of adrenaline effected me in ways I can’t describe, it felt like angels possessing me, like sugar invading every vessel of my body, it was everything I’d hoped my life would be, dangerous, scary, unpredictable and black. 

I spent the whole night reliving that dream over and over again, until it seemed real, and it was fucking beautiful.

I Love You

To the love of my life, to my everything -Dylan, I hope this gives you the closure that you need and deserve. 

I love you, I love you like Romeo did Juliet, maybe a little more, I love you like the moon loves the stars, I love you more than I do the sun, I love the way your hair flows beyond your jawline, I love the way it kisses your cheekbones, I love the way your orbs absorbs the love my eyes radiate, the way they light up at the mention of my name, I love having that effect on you, I do, I really do, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But it’s also the worst. I despise it, I despise the agonizing sobs that shake me when we part, I hate the nausea that overcomes me when I think of our maybe future, our have nots, I hate the overwhelming sense of regret that absorbs me at the remembrance of the moments we wasted debating the nature of our relationship. Love is gravity, it pulls you down, it expose you to the roughness of the surface, it opposes your being. The only demand is to fall, and maybe that’s why it breaks and shatters us. We respond to love by bending, by arching our posture and falling out of it is us grabbing a cane, it’s us standing up and resisiting its power. Maybe love isn’t meant to be, maybe it’s acceptance we are bound to have, maybe it’s care. You see all of the fore mentioned emotions are the aspects that make up love, individually, they make sense, together, they forge into a monstrous and vicious being. One that feeds off of the shards of everyone’s hearts, one that takes pleasure in implementing pain and introducing despair as a lifestyle. Not too long ago, I loved to love, I smiled at the aspect of having someone by my side, but now that I’m aware of my mortality, I realize that love holds us down, it ties us to a place, it hinders our ability to be, its a chain, one that I am struggling to rid myself of. 

i miss you with every cell that makes up the body that shelters my soul, I lost myself in you, I died a little on the inside, and I’d do it again if it meant I’d get to spend a few more minutes in your company. I hope you know that. Goodbye Dylan, goodbye.