Fading Away

I wrote this 30 minutes into a very boring chemistry class, I was drowsy, sleepy, and not in my right mind. 

I had a dream. I dreamt that I was falling into a deep black endless abyss, I distinctly remember the puddles of terror exploding under my skin, i felt the coldness that embraced me, I felt the horror of not knowing, but I also felt alive, I felt human. my falling freed me of every human thought I’d had, it made me feel invincible and endless. I felt complete in every sense of the world, like forever, I felt like an endless sea of possibilities, and for a little while, I had a vision of myself achieving something, I felt grounded and weak in an aesthetically agonizing way. The rush of adrenaline effected me in ways I can’t describe, it felt like angels possessing me, like sugar invading every vessel of my body, it was everything I’d hoped my life would be, dangerous, scary, unpredictable and black. 

I spent the whole night reliving that dream over and over again, until it seemed real, and it was fucking beautiful.


I Love You

To the love of my life, to my everything -Dylan, I hope this gives you the closure that you need and deserve. 

I love you, I love you like Romeo did Juliet, maybe a little more, I love you like the moon loves the stars, I love you more than I do the sun, I love the way your hair flows beyond your jawline, I love the way it kisses your cheekbones, I love the way your orbs absorbs the love my eyes radiate, the way they light up at the mention of my name, I love having that effect on you, I do, I really do, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But it’s also the worst. I despise it, I despise the agonizing sobs that shake me when we part, I hate the nausea that overcomes me when I think of our maybe future, our have nots, I hate the overwhelming sense of regret that absorbs me at the remembrance of the moments we wasted debating the nature of our relationship. Love is gravity, it pulls you down, it expose you to the roughness of the surface, it opposes your being. The only demand is to fall, and maybe that’s why it breaks and shatters us. We respond to love by bending, by arching our posture and falling out of it is us grabbing a cane, it’s us standing up and resisiting its power. Maybe love isn’t meant to be, maybe it’s acceptance we are bound to have, maybe it’s care. You see all of the fore mentioned emotions are the aspects that make up love, individually, they make sense, together, they forge into a monstrous and vicious being. One that feeds off of the shards of everyone’s hearts, one that takes pleasure in implementing pain and introducing despair as a lifestyle. Not too long ago, I loved to love, I smiled at the aspect of having someone by my side, but now that I’m aware of my mortality, I realize that love holds us down, it ties us to a place, it hinders our ability to be, its a chain, one that I am struggling to rid myself of. 

i miss you with every cell that makes up the body that shelters my soul, I lost myself in you, I died a little on the inside, and I’d do it again if it meant I’d get to spend a few more minutes in your company. I hope you know that. Goodbye Dylan, goodbye.

Was that a sunset or a sunrise?

This was written on the twenty fifth of October of 2015, a few weeks before my mom passed away.                                           

“Time goes by fast when you’re apathetic to everything that surrounds you. Everything is monotonous and rushed, insincere and cold, tedious and harsh. I wonder if life is worth enduring all the pain for, I wonder if withstanding all this bullshit is worth it.
I think a lot, I analyze everything I experience and everyone I encounter, I read to much into everything, I have what I like calling a monkey brain, jumping from one conclusion to the next, never at peace, this means countless sleepless nights and constant fatigue.

I just finished reading a book about alien abductions, and it got my brain going.

I hold a deep resentment for the conclusions people have drawn about self harm. I don’t think anyone self harms because they don’t think they’re worth it or because their faults outnumber their good traits. I’m not self destructive but I’ve had dangerous thoughts, and I think that if I were to cut or self harm I’d do it to honor all my invisible scars, they’d pose as a physical embodiment of all the pain and hurt that stains my frail heart. 

Which brings me to the next order of business; suicide. Everyone is all over depressed people, so many people are convinced that they’re helping by medicating them and drowning their worries with doses of serotonin, but here’s what I think. 

I think that depression isn’t a war you win, but a battle you fight everyday. There’s no pausing, there’s no stopping. suicide is you giving in to the mocking shrill voices scolding you and criticizing your every move.  It’s as persistent as the headache and nausea that follow a bottle of vodka wasted on drowning the memories secured in our past. I think that depression is black, it’s the complete absence of emotion, it’s numbness gnawing away at your brain and eventually driving you to irrational decisions, and I think that suicide is more than despair. The correct way to define it would be indifference, it’s when you’ve got nothing to live for and every reason to die, it’s when everything tastes bland, it’s hollow. It’s the monsters of our pasts haunting us. It’s the consistent need for the perfect peace of nothingness. That’s what I believe.

I’ve known a few people to be depressed, but I’ve never considered that I might be another unhappy resident wasting oxygen and consuming the edible goods available to me. Ive been told that we often project our feelings and find different ways of expressing them. Feelings of despair are often translated into the persistent attempts at making everyone else’s lives better. Maybe that’s me. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Whatever.”